sometimes i forget im a real person
this is such a weird thing but I understand.
I can’t believe drawing a black line across my eyelids makes me feel 10x prettier.
if english isn’t your first language but you think and dream in english and sometimes have to mentally translate from english to your first language when speaking it as a consequence of your consistent exposure to the internet clap your hands
I’m not racist but [throws a dart at a map] lithuanians don’t know shit about [spins a big wheel] creating lasting memories during early childhood?
50% of my jokes are self deprecating and 50% are self congratulatory like i’ll say “wow its hot in here…. just like me” and 5 seconds later point at a trash can and say “me”
A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but gets them. He goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long but he eventually does it. He goes to buy her flowers. The line at the florist is really long but eventually he gets the flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there’s no punchline.
you’ve got to be kidding me
talking about my favorite character
baby: from day one i talked about getting out but not forgetting about how all my worst fears are letting out she said why put a new address on the same old loneliness when breathing just passes the time until we all just get old and die now talking's just a waste of breath and living's just a waste of death and why put a new address on the same old loneliness and this is me and you and you and me until we've got nothing left